Yesterday I received a shocking phone call. I have transcribed it below:
Ring! Ring! Ring!
Jesus: It's Jesus.
Me: Shut-up!! Who is this, really?
Jesus: No, seriously. It's Jesus.
Me: No way!!
Me (to whoever can hear me): Hey, y'all! It's Jesus! Jesus is calling me!! Woo hoo!!
Jesus: Misti? Misti?!
Me: Sorry Jesus. This is so cool. What up?
Jesus: Well, I need to talk to you about your mother.
Me: Oh, no. You're not ready to take her with you, are you?
Jesus: Heaven forbid! The exact opposite. She's driving us nuts from down there. I can't imagine the damage she'd do up here. Jeez.
Me: I hear ya. So, how can I help?
Jesus: You can stop acting like a knucklehead.
Jesus: Your mother prays about you 24/7. She prays that you're healthy, she prays that you're happy, she prays that your marriage is strong, she prays for your children, she prays for your job....you get the picture.
Jesus: Well, now she's praying for your soul and that's the straw that broke the camel's back. We already spend 67% of our time dealing with her prayers about you and we cannot handle another prayer request. There are people starving in the world for Pete's sake! Your mother is directly responsible for Britney Spears going outside without underwear on because we were so busy watching over you we forgot about her! And she sang "Oops! I Did It Again!"
Me: Yeah, that is a good song.
Jesus: Word. Now, here's what you gotta do- Stop using the F word.
Me: What! That's totally unreasonable! I don't even use that word around my mother!!
Jesus: Yes, but she sees references to it on your blog and she knows you use it out of ear shot.
Me: I'm 36 years old! And I love the F word!
Jesus: And I'd love a little peace and quiet so clean up your language before I turn you to salt.
Me: Seriously? You could do that even in 2008?
Jesus: Sure, I'm Jesus.
Me: Well, I believe Your Dad is the one who turns people to salt...
Jesus: I can do it, too! Just follow instructions. You're almost as bad as your mother.
Me: I can't believe this. The F word is just a word. It's not like it's a sin...right?
Jesus: Depends on how you use it. If you use it in anger than it's a sin as anger is a sin. If you use it in a positive way, like that's "F word awesome", then it's o.k.
Me: Alright, but why don't you call her and tell her to lay off some of the praying?
Jesus: No! No way! You know how your mother is! She'd beat me down until I agreed to let her add ten more prayers to the list! She'd probably convince me to make you a Saint! You must be crazy.
Me: I see your point. I'll keep the F word from her delicate ears.
Jesus: Good. Now, don't make me call back. I'm a busy Deity.
Me: O.k., but before you go could I get a wish granted?
Jesus: I'm not a genie, I'm Jesus, so no.
Me: Well, I pray all the time about losing weight.
Jesus: And I give you the answer to that one all the time. Put the fork down and move your body.
Jesus: Yeah, "oh."
Me: That's kind of rude....
Jesus: I love you my child, but if your mother adds one more prayer to her already long list about you I will turn you into a man and you will know what it's like to live life dumber and almost useless.
Me: Don't worry about it. Loves you, too!