Saturday, August 9, 2008

Olympiad Jurl


I am queer for the Olympics and was so inspired by the beautiful, distinctly Chinese, opening night that I tried to do Tai Chi in my backyard yesterday morning. It went south pretty quickly when I was distracted by a legion of angry mosquitoes. Then I stepped on a jagged acorn left behind by a sex-crazed squirrel, stumbling and cursing from the pain I fell over a hool-a-hoop. And even though it was 9:00 a.m. I was sweating, like major between-the-boobs sweating. Fifteen minutes later I finally got myself situated and made my first Tai Chi move only to have a couple crucial realizations: 1) I had just thrown my hip out and 2) I don't know Tai Chi. I promptly went inside for coffee and an English Muffin.

The Olympics are always very dangerous for me because something happens to my brain as it watches these fantastic athletes and their machine-like bodies. Basically, my brain takes in these images of physical perfection and rewires my synapses or neurons (whatever can be rewired) so that I start thinking I'm an athlete in great physical shape. Talk about delusional.

After watching the men's gymnastics I decided I probably had similar arm strength because I'm crazy and I tested myself by trying to heft my bod onto my kitchen counter using only my arms. I'm lucky to be alive. I got about a half inch off the ground and collapsed, scraping my elbow on the edge of the ceramic tile and puncturing my heel with a petrified Cheerio.

I've been watching a lot of swimming so I thank God I don't have a pool or I'd have drowned by now. Today there is basketball and I'm already itching to get my game on, except I have no game. Damn you synapses or neurons or whatever makes me think I can do anything but sit!

Go U.S.A.!

3 comments:

Holly Golightly said...

The Olympics do something weird to me too. I get all weepy during awards ceremonies, and I take it personally if another country takes the lead away from the U. S. of A. I suppose there's nothing like the 100 meter butterfly to bring out the patriot in me.

Beverly said...

Don't kill yourself, Jurl. It is just not worth it.

Sua Sponte said...

I too am an Olympics superfan. Go world!!