Friday, October 31, 2008

Halloween Humiliation Jurl

Let me say right up front that I'm one of those grown-ups, and I use that term loosely, that loves Halloween. Husband and I both turn into twelve year olds on October 1, dragging down the Halloween junk from the attic, draping cobwebs everywhere, squirting fake blood here and there. Oh, yeah, we're awesome.

Husband skips the costumes because he's to cool for school, but I even love to play dress-up, though I don't always squeeze myself into a costume. When I do dress-up it's usually something that actually requires limited costumery like an asbestos fairy (wings, wand, and Tiffany bag of glitter), my boss (suit, paper cut out of his face, and reading glasses to throw at people), or a witch (hat, pink hair spray, and one black cape).

Not that I wouldn't like to go all out, but let's face it who wants to see me in a sexy vampira costume? I can't be seen with stuff oozing between the sexy slits in my vampire skirt! People might puke. Although, my arm fat does flap like bat wings so that I kind of works.....

Sexy vampires aside, I've always dressed up for Halloween. As a kid I was almost always a princess. Remember how costumes used to be a creepy, hard, plastic mask that somewhat resembled your character of choice, and a poncho? I was always creepy- poncho Cinderella or creepy-poncho Sleeping Beauty, every year, but one year.

One year I had a brain aneurysm and chose a costume that was off my beaten path, way off. I'm pretty sure Momma Jurl tried to talk me out of it, knowing as all mothers do that I would regret making this choice, but I refused to listen, as all strong willed young girls do.

I'm not sure I can even describe this costume....I think the finished product was supposed to be an alien. It came with a green plastic poncho, of course, a blow-up alien head, and green paint. And I just had to have it.

Come Halloween night my mom put the poncho on me, painted my face green, and blew up the alien head, which turned out to be gigantic, and then strapped the gigantic alien head on top of my head. Are you getting a picture?

I took one look in the mirror and refused to go trick or treating. It looked like the kind of costume a slow-witted kid would have chosen and I was traum-a-tized. But, since I'd insisted on having it, Momma Jurl made me go out in public and beg for candy. It was horrible.

That Halloween taught me something about myself, I like to be costume pretty, not costume just fell off the short bus. Ever since then I have eschewed the plastic poncho and alien blow-up heads, opting instead for gypsies, princesses, and pretty witches.

So parents, don't let your children make a terrible costume choice involving a blow-up head and their face painted to be an alien torso, but if you do, don't make them go out in it. Just give them a bag of candy and let them watch television.

Happy Halloween!

This my costume for next year. Now I just need to lose 200 pounds and become a cartoon character. I can totally pull that off by next Halloween.


Anonymous said...

You are not alone, I had the same custome with pictures to prove it!
Dirty Bitch.

jurl said...

Dirty Bitch- we're clearly soul mates. At least there are no pictures of me and my alien disaster. What were we thinking?

Anonymous said...

Have you ever thought about actually doing something to lose weight instead of just making fun or your weight problem? I know humor can be a positive way to cope, but it can also just be an escape from the underlying problem.

jurl said...

Anon- Is that you, Susan? If so, then I wouldn't be talking. If it's not you, I am always doing something to address my weight issues as well as any other underlying issues. Thanks for your helpful suggestion...I'm gonna print it out and carry it with me at all times to remind myself that I should do something about my weight problem. You're a genius!

Claudia said...

I dressed up as a punk rocker. pink wig, torn up t-shirt, fake lip rings, purple nails, the whole sha-bang. I love Halloween and I want my kids to enjoy it for as long as they see fit. So few opportunities for kids to be kids these days. =) Check out my FB page in a bit for a few pictures.
ha ha ha. I particularly like the picture of this suburban punk rocking mama changing her infant.

Scout said...

ANON - If you are going to write a comment telling someone what to do about their "issues" then I suggest that you not be a coward and sign your name. Maybe you should deal with your issues of being a coward of not being able to own what you feel or think. It's is one thing to level with someone face to face, but entirely another to do it anonymously, GET SOME BALLS!

Liss said...

Humor is NOT a positive way to cope with it ANON, but we all thank you for your quick solution to the problem. It is, however, a way to make light of the intense PAIN that causes people to have issues with their weight. Otherwise, that pain would take over their life. If you or anyone you love ever had this problem then you would get it. Grow a pair and state your name if you are so brave to make such a bold statement.

jurl said...

Claudia- the Halloween pics are great! You rocked the punk rock!

Scout and Liss- love you jurls.

Sophia (Susan said...

Jurl!!!... Sorry to disappoint but I did NOT write that stupid comment above (frankly am a bit curious as to why you would think I did...) You know I have always loved and appreciated your sense of humor and think your blog is great. Also, as you used to always remind me, my name is "Sophia." ;-)