Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Rohypnol Jurl

I love the old winter classic, "Baby It's Cold Outside", but the other day I really took a listen to the lyrics and I realized it's basically a date-rape song. Let me show you what I mean:

I really can't stay (time for me to go)
(but baby it's cold outside) (you're not going anywhere)
I've got to go away (Let go of me!)
(but baby it's cold outside) (stop yelling)
This evening has been (I don't think of you that way!)
(been hoping that you'd drop in) (Sure, that's why you came by my place at night)
So very nice (I was just being nice..)
(i'll hold your hands, they're just like ice) (is the rope too tight on your wrists?)
My mother will start worry (people will be looking for me)
(beautiful whats your hurry) (they won't find you)
My father will be pacing the floor (seriously, they know where I was going)
(listen to the fireplace roar) (I'm going to throw you in it)
So really i'd better scurry (Ha ha, this isn't funny anymore...)
(beautiful please don't hurry) (Who's joking?)
but maybe just a half a drink more (since you're crushing my wind pipe)
(put some records on while i pour) (it puts the lotion on itself)
the neighbors might faint (I'm going to start screaming)
(baby it's bad out there) (shut-up and drink)
say what's in this drink (did you drug me???)
(no cabs to be had out there) (nowhere to run)
i wish i knew how (to get away)
(your eyes are like starlight now) (thanks to the drugs)
to break this spell (I'm praying for help)
(i'll take your hat, your hair looks swell) (I'm going to make a hat our of your scalp)
i ought to say "no, no, no sir" (I'm scared, so scared)
(mind if i move in closer) (no, no, no, means yes, yes, yes)
at least i'm gonna say that i tried (they always blame the victim for not resisting hard enough)
(what's the sense in hurtin' my pride) (because I've got the gun)
i really can't stay (please let me go)
(oh baby don't hold out) (there's no use in resisting)

both:baby it's cold out side

i simply must go (help!)
(but baby it's cold outside) (You're not going anywhere)
the answer is no (no, for real)
(but baby it's cold outside) (remember, no means yes)
your welcome has been (false imprisonment)
(how lucky that you dropped in) (said the spider to the fly)
so nice and warm (the drugs are starting to work)
(look out the window at that storm) (they'll never be able to reach you)
my sister will be suspicious (she'll know it was you)
(gosh your lips look delicious) (I think I'll slice them off and eat them)
my brother will be there at the door (he'll hunt you down!)
(waves upon the tropical shore) (what the hay does this even mean???)
my maiden aunts mind is vicious (my crazy virgin aunt will blame me)
(gosh your lips are delicious) (My stomach is starting to growl....)
but maybe just a cigarette more (delay, delay, delay...)
(never such a blizzard before) (no one's gonna help you now)
i've gotta get home (you don't have to do this)
(but baby you'd freeze out there) (yes, I do)
say lend me a coat (I won't got to the police)
(it's up to your knees out there) (Nice try)
you've really been grand (you haven't done anything yet)
(i thrill when you touch my hand) (we both know it's too late to stop)
but don't you see? (but, wait--!)
(how can you do this thing to me?) (stop stalling, you tease!)
there's bound to be talk tomorrow (they'll catch you)
(think of my lifelong sorrow) (I'm counting on it)
at least there will be plenty implied (no one will believe you)
(if you got namonia and died) (sure they will....I'll say you left early with a bad cough)
i really can't stay (please, please....)
(get over that old out) (be still so I can get this duct tape over your mouth)

both:baby it's cold
baby it's cold outside

Here's to ruining beloved classics!

Merry Christmas!!


TJ said...

I think you got it right, I'll never listen to this song the same again.
Either you're a lyrical genius, or perhaps you need to talk to your therapist just a little more.

Tammy said...

This is awesome.

BoBono said...

Only you Jurl, only you.

Happy holidays anyway!

Amy said...


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