On March 22 I reached the mid-point of my life- 40. I honestly never thought I'd live this long. Remember how old your parents seemed at 40? Of course, I've remained totally young on the inside, nee, immature, despite my body's rapid descent into a geriatric tragedy. I cling to the myth that young at heart is all that really matters and in effort to convince myself I submit the following:
I pee on myself when I sneeze, but can't resist the well played fart joke.
I limp for a second when I get out of the bed in the morning, but if someone doodles a penis with a mustache and monocle I will laugh until I pee myself (which these days is about 47 seconds).
I don't understand Twitter, but I like to give pretend interviews to Oprah. Often about how I don't understand Twitter, or memes, or Linked in, or where the hec is the world wide web.
I can't stay up past 10:30 p.m., but in my waking hours I cuss like a twelve year old boy who just discovered how great the F word sounds in front of and behind every word. Example: F you F'er.
I sometimes have a musty smell coming from my bat cave, but I'm as hairy as any twenty year old!
Some of that hair is coming out in strange places, but it's still thick and luxurious- I could do a Pantene commercial for catfish whiskers. Imagine them swishing back and forth in slow motion while someone says off camera: "How do you take catfish whiskers and turn up the heat? Set them on fire with Pantene's new Pro V Whisker Wash with barracuda anal juice! Your whiskers will be the first and last thing anyone sees when they look at you! Warning: this product may contain acid."
I'm a 40 year old wife/mother/part-time lawyer that makes lunches every morning, washes everyone's dirty drawers, and sometimes wonders if this is really living an authentic life, but hey, I just made up a Pantene commercial!
Do your best body, you dirty bitch, you mother f***in, mother f***er! I will fight your decay with fart jokes, a mustachioed penis, the F word, fake commercials, and my best friend and confidant, Oprah!
Here's to the first decade of the rest of my life, bitches!